Love in a Time of Covid-19

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Marriage is for the community but how can you help hold it together when you lose that community?

Love in a Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez presents some questionable looks at what love and fidelity look like. But the crux of it is commitment. That no matter what happens we’re committed to each other.

In this time of isolation couples, married or not, are feeling the pressure. We are in each other’s space 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I can’t go to brunch with my girlfriends and talk about the funny things my husband does and instead they get less funny and more irritating as time goes on. Now in week 4, here are some of the ways we are getting around this issue.

Please note, we do not have children and my heart goes out to those of you who do. You are absolute troopers.

1. You don’t have to spend every minute with each other

My husband was quite frisky at the beginning. I myself was ovulating so I was up for it but also easily irritated. Theoretically we wanted to spend the time together but our emotions were so heightened we’d very quickly go from wanting to tear each others clothes off to wanting to tear each other a new one. If you’re into angry sex, that’s cool. I am not. I can’t even let the man touch me when I’m angry. Slowly but surely though we’ve figured out a rhythm to each other. My husband has given himself a project to distract him from me and we’re able to spend a couple of hours in separate rooms working on our own interests before coming back together. This also gives us something to talk about.

2. Make those moments count

Just like you might have had date night before quarantine make a ‘moment’ out of the little pleasures you can have. If you can still get out for a walk, really take that walk and enjoy the time with each other. Last night, we had £1 pizzas ad I also found some chicken strips in the fridge so we had a movie night. Take please are in each other.

3. Learn to speak each others language

I have heard The 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman extolled by christians and non-christians alike. He has so many free online resources and you could take this time to really get to learn each others language. You have almost ‘experimental’ conditions and it may require you to step out of your comfort zone but you know are able to focus on your partner and not fall out of practice because you came home from a hard day at work. You can find those resources here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com

4. Commit to Reconciliation

A single friend recently gave another friend advice he’d heard from his parents who were pastors. He’d said that they would encourage soon to be married couples by telling them they were marrying the right person if they could reconcile in an hour. I immediately said, well your parents are clearly heavenly beings because that is not always how it is. Sometimes you do go to bed angry, whether thats because you’re too tired to resolve the issue or, for myself, I’ve worked myself up so much that rationally I have reconciled the situation but chemically in body I still feel angry. In either situation, it’s more about committing to acknowledging there is an issue, no we haven’t resolved it but I am committed to working on it with you and in the future, hopefully, we will resolve it.

I realise that there may be some people who might be reading this who are trapped in emotionally or physically abusive relationships who my not have a partner who will work with them on any of these. Please know I am praying for you. I am praying that God will give you peace in your circumstances and the He will bring about a change in your partner or give you the strength to get out of that situation.

Be Blessed Rx

Disclaimer: I have never read Love in a Time of Cholera, I only know it from the film Serendipity and had to look the plot up.

Let’s talk About Sex

The one subject the world and the church don’t seem to want to have a healthy discussion about.

Before quarantine/lockdown/ whatever your country is calling it, I was able to live the ‘ladies who lunch’ dream and visit some christian girlfriends for lunch midweek. While on both occasions the intent was merely to visit friends on bedrest from operations, both turned into conversations about all the things we’re not supposed to talk about: sex.

We hit porn, masturbation, do we like sex, do we not. We’ll talk about all that in detail another time but for now, let’s talk about the relief on their faces. A look that says, finally, I’ve found someone I can talk to about all these things with. I’m not alone.

As I listened to a woman who has fed so much into my spiritual walk tell me how she still finds sex dirty, even though she knows she shouldn’t, I thought, how did we get to this point?

In the garden of Eden, after the fall of man God asks Adam and Eve, who told you you were naked? (Genesis 3). In other words, who told you to be ashamed? Who told you your bodies, that I created, that I said were good, were no longer good enough to be seen?

In my other life as a biology teacher, we always began the reproduction unit with the students telling us every word they knew to describe their genitals. We would then put a line through all of them and then say we won’t be using these words here, we only say penis and vagina. They would laugh and say, I can’t say that Miss. In today’s world most kids are having some form of sex by the time they are 14. A lot by the age of 12. Probably because putting your ‘cock’ in a ‘pussy’ sounds more like you’re feeding a cat. It’s as though our censoring, both the church and the world, has made it easier not to think about what we’re really doing.

The worst thing that both we as the church and the world open ourselves up to by not talking about it openly and healthily is when someone takes advantage of that shame and sexually harasses or assaults another person. Child or adult alike. Those who have been sexually assaulted feel dirty, feel ashamed and feel they can’t talk about what has happened to them because no one talks about sex.

I’ve heard stories of children telling teachers that their uncle licked their ‘cookie’. The teacher thought it an actual cookie and advised the child that her uncle should have gotten his own. When the mother came in and asked what might have caused a rash on her daughters vulva, the teacher realised she could have acted earlier had the child used the correct words. You may have seen this in a Facebook post, but from my years as a teacher, I heard so many similar stories.

Having saved my first sexual experience for marriage I now see and understand the benefits in doing so. It was awkward, I wasn’t good at it (to begin with), and my feelings of inadequacy in the bedroom filtered out into other areas of my marriage. I, personally, can’t imagine having to deal with these feelings in a casual relationship, on top of, will he call me? Does he actually like me? Do I like him? However, this isn’t enough of a reason for us as the church to decide that not talking about sex other than “save it for marriage” is enough to keep young people ‘pure’.

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What is purity or holiness? To be set apart. But God knows that being ‘unclean’ is a part of life and He’s made ways for us to get clean again no matter what ‘dirtiness’ get’s on us. Married women, we need to be talking about what sex means to us as a couple. Women who did have sex before marriage need to be talking about whether there is a difference and what that difference is physically and emotionally. It can’t just be ‘better‘ and we know they won’t just ‘figure it out when they get married‘ and we sure as hell know they won’t save themselves for marriage just because God says so. Otherwise, why are christians eating pork because he said not to do that either? That’s a debate for another time, let’s get back on track.

Through Jesus death and resurrection, we don’t need to come under the shame that the law of Moses gave or the same extensive ritual cleansing routines. THANK GOD! I’m not saying we should sleep with anyone or anything (the Bible could give you some ideas) or even walk around with our sex stank on after getting it on with your husband instead of having some sort of bath (Leviticus 15) BUT we can go back to the Garden, because we now have access to the Tree of Life again in the form of Jesus. We can remember that our bodies are good. Sex, is good, periods are good, ejaculation is good, orgasms are good. We can remember to have reverence for the things God has created for us; the things that come naturally to us.

So let’s talk about sex. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be (Salt and Peppa,1990) Because, like Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery (John 8) who has the power to tell you your dirty?

Welcome to the Journey

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It’s been two hours since my husband text me to tell me he was going out because he was too sad to talk. It’s been four hours since we were supposed to go grocery shopping. Six hours since he expressed his opinion which triggered my insecurities and set me off talking as loud as my Australian voice will allow me; attracting the attention of all the quiet British people on the road we were walking.

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Marriage is tough. I don’t even know what the outcome of this will be. That’s why I want this to be the home post on this blog. It’s not about having the answers. It’s about voicing the problems and the more they’re spoken about, the less of a problem they are.

This blog will be about feminism, single life, dating, sex – before and after marriage, marriage itself, LGBT, probably music, as I am a bit of a music lover, and all from a Christian viewpoint.

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The Bible says that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Growing up in Pentecostal church there are all sorts of ‘guilts’ we put on ourselves. Does God love me less if I stand up to a man? If I masturbate? If I date a non-christian? If no Christian men ask me out? If the only ‘wet-dreams’ I have are about women but I identify as straight? If I have sex before marriage? If it takes months before I have sex with my husband? If I never have sex with my husband? If my husband would rather walk out of the house than talk to me about how I made him sad?

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So if you’re looking for absolute answers, I’m sorry but this isn’t the place for you. But if you’d like to read the misadventures of a Christian woman trying to navigate life and love and accepting her failings and working through them and hopefully have moments of, I’m not the only one, then welcome to the ride.

If you’d like to contribute to the conversation, we’re doing some research into sexual outlook from christian women all over the world and we’d love you to fill in our survey. Head here

For now though, I’m going to pray my husband comes home and we work through this together.

adult blur business city
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